Heroic Hazel


Hazelnut Greta Burger AKA “White Lightning,” “shmeegle,” “Princess,” “Miss Piggy,” “Hazel Basil Lemon Squazel,” and “Hazel Baze.”

Born and raised in Corry, Pennsylvania, Hazelnut Greta Burger has been a local heartthrob and a gentle giant since 2010.

This little lady was born in October and is proudly 12 years old. She has been a fashion icon and actor, letting her favorite person in the world, me, do anything with/to her since she was born. At the small age of a few months, her first big role as a fairy princess swept the old Burger household by storm. She wore a purple gown with matching wings and slippers as well as a crown, showing how eloquent she is.

As time moved on, so did she. This little lab gained the names “White Lightning,” “shmeegle,” “Princess,” “Miss Piggy,” “Hazel Basil Lemon Squazel,” and “Hazel Baze.” This, now two-year-old dog was a hero. She had a hit show created by a new director, me, called “White Lightning” which showed her true power. She wore a strong armor princess cape while defending the house from crazy cats. Its safe to say rent was due because Hazel gave the performance of a lifetime.

Winter was coming. Hazel had lived through a few but never realized how wonderful it was.


The snow was her new favorite thing. She ran and played and dug in the snow. She’d fortify ice forts and steal hats of cruel tyrants, me, that decided to ride sleds in order to put them in place. She also would peruse the yard on the hunt for snowballs to attack. She was not going to let one get past her.

It was finally spring again. The newest hobby Hazel has found a love for was hunting. She was going to protect our yard from woodchucks and devote her life to it. She would let herself have fun on occasions by hunting mice, moles, and voles. She had to do what she could as a peak athlete. She was famous for her fitness at this time and would remain famous for this until she got to eight years old. No one had the stamina she did and there was no way any other dog could jump like she did. She would run for hours alongside Mr. Burger while he mowed the lawn. This would get her naturally white coat green and help her smell like grass in order to be a stealthier hunter. This also led to her discovering how to roll in conventionally smelly things like manure.

She never knew why but her family hated the smell she would emit after rolling in grimy things. But one thing she did know was that they would give her a bath if she did. Hazel. Loved. Baths. This became a problem. Hazel would roll in the most atrocious smelling things just to get a bath now. Multiple times a day. She was unstoppable now. But wait— her family was catching onto her— how could she keep getting away with it? Oh. They thought it was cute. They bought her a pool. This… was… amazing! She was oinking and grunting and rolling in her pool. It would give her the zoomies and she would do laps. She was a simple dog with a love for water.

Hazel roamed the house alone for years during the weekdays. But this never made her any less brave. It was her sole duty to protect the house and sometimes that got to her. As a late bloomer (she never barked until she was two) Hazel had a fear of confrontation. If she heard knocking she would run and hide in the basement and bark at the vicious intruder (one of the residents returning home). Other times she would run and hide in her safe zone (under Mister and Madam Burger’s bed) and bark there, too.

Christmas. A holiday celebrated in the Burger household. Hazel has grown accustomed to this. She realized that she loved opening presents. This created a new Burger tradition. Wrapping presents for Hazel to open on Christmas. This tradition continued for seven years and still goes on to this day.

At long last. Hazel has reached the age of eight. And she finally got a woodchuck. Well, she did not “get” it. Picture this: White Lightning, a renowned hero, running as fast as she can to the very back of the yard, coming sniffer to sniffer with a woodchuck and in a shocking moment of bravery, she started to sniff its butt and wag her tail. To investigate. When she was done sniffing, she trotted back up to the house in an act of peace. But she continues to woodchuck “hunt” to this day.

After a peaceful time where her family was miraculously home all of the time, a sudden change was made. They all drove down to Meadville, which is ordinary. However, when they returned, they showed up with a small, silver, uncoordinated, and excitable puppy. It was an ankle biter and it was terrifying.

At the great age of 10, Hazel has finally met her biggest enemy: Bailey Biscuit Burger.