Why can’t everyone just be like me? Why can’t more men wear perfume instead of cologne? Women don’t like ocean musk, they like roses. At least if you smell like ocean musk, you don’t smell like sweat- or worse- sports deodorant. Enough with chains. I don’t care if they’re silver or gold, they look funny. If you’re reading this with a chain dangling around your neck, please promptly remove it. I recommend that instead of wearing two and a half pounds of (probably fake) precious metal, you should go with something lighter and brighter, like pearls. Oh, the joy a pearl necklace brings! You can bet everyone who doesn’t personally know you will label you as a homosexual and some who do personally know you will at least question it. None of that matters because your pearl necklace is iconic and beautiful. If others question your sexuality as a man, don’t be ashamed, you’re probably just sexy.
Get rid of all self-doubt. You are the absolute greatest there ever was or ever will be, so why don’t you start acting like it? You’re perfect just the way you are and you don’t need to change one bit- not even a little. Carry around a little purse in your pocket and flaunt it whenever you don’t know how to instantly impress a group of people. But knowing you, you should have no trouble with that so you probably won’t have to deploy the “look at my cute little purse” tactic. Make sure your purse is stocked with candy or mints that you can offer people to gain favors. Splurge a little and hand out more than one Tic Tac, Werther’s Original butterscotch, or strawberry bonbon. Distribute this candy generously from your purse like somebody’s once-living old aunt.
Anytime someone politely offers you something to drink, make sure you tell them if they can’t get you water, you don’t want anything at all. In any circumstance where people are drinking any beverage that is not water, tell as many people as you can that you exclusively drink water and that it is the key to your good health and clear mind. Make a point to really run your water-only mouth about how good water is for you and how bad pop is for you. Make people feel bad about their choice of drink. After all, yours is healthy, inexpensive, and infinitely refreshing. The best time to make a scene about your hydration is at a restaurant when ordering a drink. Sit up in your sticky booth with the best posture you can and deliver this exact order, “I’ll have a water please, no ice, no lemon.” After the waiter or waitress leaves your table, those who you are dining with will most likely comment on your unique and wonderful drink order. Explain that ice makes the beverage too cold and, therefore, less sip-able. You much prefer a pre-chilled glass.
Don’t smile in the hallways, you’re too cool for that. The key to existing in a public space is to convince yourself that at any moment, someone with an eye for beauty will take a candid photo of you. You want to look your best on picture day, don’t you? Guess what! Every day is picture day now. Because you desire so badly to look like a soft, stoic, cute but attractive Instagram model, you are now in a never-ending cycle of curating daily outfits. What you’re wearing is everything, it’s more important than your own well-being. Lose sleep over the leg length of your pants, the texture of your sweater, the off-white but not off-white enough color of your socks, etc. Waste your time lamenting over the minute details of your outfit that you can’t change and that nobody will notice. It shouldn’t matter, you’re always the best dressed in any given location anyway. It does matter though, waste your time looking in the mirror- it’s worth it.
Be late to school over how your wet hair is sitting. Ignore your mother shouting downstairs for you to get in the car. It doesn’t matter if it’s 8:23, you’re too busy fussing over a curl that won’t lay right. The only reason your hair looks bad to begin with is because you didn’t rinse it well enough during your 30-45 minute morning shower. This shower is only to be taken at a scolding hot temperature, nothing else will suffice. There are two indicators that it’s time to get out of the shower, the first being your mom threatening to pull out of the driveway without you, the second being you completely run out of hot water.
Be the best possible English student you can be. Write too much on every assignment (as I am doing now), always deliver the best analogies, rule every class discussion with an iron fist, and always impress the teacher. You want so badly to be put on the golden pedestal of English students. You crave recognition and praise from these teachers and students, you feed off of every good job and gold star. Make sure everything you do in the field of language arts carries an air of superiority about it. You’re trying to make your classmates feel lesser to you. You are the grand duke of grammar and writing, do not let any peasant even come close to dethroning you.
I could go on and on about myself and how you can become closer to my image and likeness, but I really must get some beauty sleep. It is late and tomorrow is another important day of me. When next we meet I hope you’re more like me because, to be honest, you’re kinda sucky. I hope you learned a thing or two in our time together- OH NO! I haven’t picked out my outfit for tomorrow! Looks like I’m off to go look at Pinterest for an hour and gripe at my closet for not storing clothes I don’t own.
