This past weekend Ruthie and I headed south to our new home of Point Park University. It was the institution’s decision day/tour day.

I previously did a tour back in November, but this recent day was used as a moment to ground myself. For some context of how my brain works I’m always building up things from end of the week functions, holidays, and birthdays and usually people say to lower expectations so that you’re not disappointed, but surrounding college I haven’t been hyping it up or even optimistic in general, which is super unlike me. Winter is probably playing a big part in this mix with having no energy or motivation to do anything including all the preparation for college. But anyways, I’m writing this diary style so I can look back a year ago and hopefully prove to myself the worries, fear, and frustrations were all kind of silly. It is just so hard to be almost three hours away from where you’re going to be in six months and imagine how it will all be and to stay excited for this far off land.

So after going on the tour, yeah, the campus is quaint and urban, which I don’t even know at this point if that is even what I want, but you just have to dive in head first to any situation instead of spiraling about every possible outcome. That was a huge internal battle running around the same thought “am I making the right decision?” And don’t even get me started on financially affording college, because sometimes I look at all the work I put into my high school career from challenging classes, leadership positions, and being so involved was kind of all for nothing to end up at a school with an 80% acceptance rate with the kids who didn’t try in high school. Yes, I got the high GPA scholarship, but how am I supposed to cover the additional $25,000 cost after the scholarship? It’s scary and it’s frustrating to be so aware that you will be bonded to this one decision you made really in the split of a moment for the rest of your life. On top of that I’m going for a major that isn’t safe and which I will only be successful if people like me in the industry and through networking. 

I do though want to look at this current situation of endless possibilities as a positive for a second. I’m so ready to reinvent myself again. I would say I’ve stayed pretty authentic and genuine in high school, which must have worked because I’ve attracted so many influential people to the core of good rooted people. So I don’t plan on changing my identity but rather setting boundaries more and to stop overextending for people. I’m not going to be selfish, but I definitely will be putting myself over other people’s conditions. Also, I think the school that I picked will create a space to reach a higher level within myself through the inspiration of the people around me. The people who are attending this school are so creative based from incredible dancers and moviemakers. This energy will push me to create a unique, strong character within myself I hope. Walking around everyone seemed “cool,” which is such a general thing to say about people older than you but it’s true everyone had found their own sense of self through the way they dress and present themselves their authentic being who they want to be. Everyone is trying to stick out and be the change, not to just blend into the shadows of a college campus.

To end, I hope for a really good internship either at stage AE or the Benedum Center because at the end of the day I really do want to make an impact.